For the Love of Kids' Birthday Parties

Before I had kids, the thought of spending countless Saturday mornings at kids' birthday parties horrified me. It sounded like pure torture, weekend mornings should be spent having brunch in lovely restaurants, not spent with roomfuls of screaming, sugar-laden children, singing the "Happy Birthday" song.

However, now that I'm a mom I LOVE kids' birthday parties. Many of the parties we go to, are for kids I've known since they were born. It's always both amazing and nostalgic to recount and honor how much they've grown, so I actually enjoy celebrating their special day with them. Plus, since I still mainly control their social circles, their friends are the children of my friends, which means that kids' parties offer me a great opportunity to catch up with my own gal pals.

While in the past I thought I'd be giving up the freedom of my weekends for the confining schedule of toddler parties, the reality is that these parties provide some much-welcomed entertainment for both me and my kiddos. Two free hours at the Little Gym, followed by both lunch and dessert? RSVP, yes! Oh, we can come to your house and my kids can mess up your living room for a couple of hours instead of mine? We'll be there. Parties are especially welcome in the winter months, when entertainment options for little kids are limited. I've found myself hating it if we're conflicted out of a cake-infused gathering or if we wind up sick and can't make it. En route to fiestas, I often lead my kids in the chant, "Party! Party! Party! We're gonna go to a party!"

My daughter has inherited my love of birthday parties. While she enjoys attending any good party, what she really loves is hosting her own. Even prepping for her second birthday, the still one-year-old, would happily run any errand related to her special day. This weekend, we'll be celebrating her fourth birthday. For the first time, it won't be at our house -- it'll be at a bouncy house space. A princesses and pirates bouncy house party... I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me is liberated by the lack of planning and preparation needed when hosting it at an alternate venue. But, another part of me is sad not to have developed a master-theme for the event and to be fully delving into all of the little details that a home party entails. But, overall I'm happy, because I've got two solid hours of active entertainment scheduled for my kids on a day that promises to have terrible weather.

The No Judgment Challenge

Sometimes, it seems like motherhood is more of a competition than anything else. A panel of highly-trained, self-righteous judges (i.e., other moms) watching our every move, giving our every decision (and children's every action) a score -- lack of consistent discipline. 3.2, children displaying a nice use of table manners, 9.8, and so on.

I don't know why it is, but we mothers tend to judge each other (and ourselves) so harshly. Do you prepare nothing but organic, healthy, snacks for your children or do you let the processed, bagged crackers find their way into your kids' hot little hands? How many activities (and which ones) are your kids enrolled in? Do you vaccinate? Do you believe in circumcision? How well-behaved are your children? How clean is your house? What were their Halloween costumes? Were they homemade? If so, did you make them, or did you pawn the job off on some granny? How much time and effort did you put into planning their birthday parties? And on, and on, and on the list goes. Read the comments on most any parenting article and you'll see...

Recently, I read an article in the Huffington Post about why moms judge. It was a fascinating read and I thought the author had a lot of good points -- mainly, that we judge primarily due to our own insecurities. We all question whether or not we're doing things right and sometimes, to validate our choices, we judge. The author's New Year resolution was to stop judging other moms. Hooray!

I've found that the longer I've been in this mothering game, the less judgmental I've become. Before I had kids, I was probably a bit smug and thought I had all of the answers. My house will never look like a toy store (full of cheap, plastic toys from Oriental Trading Company) exploded all over it, because I will insist that my kids put away one toy before getting the next one out (besides, we'll only have wonderful, educational toys -- probably made in Sweden, in our house, guaranteed to stimulate brain development and imagination). Today, my house routinely looks as though it's been ransacked by the most destructive of thieves. My kids will be well-behaved because I will have clear expectations and consistent discipline methods. Today, I try my best, but the reality is, sometimes I'm tired and let things slide, sometimes, despite my best efforts, they still act up or go through difficult phases. My kids won't be picky eaters, because I will expose them to a variety of foods early on. In reality -- There's jarred baby food with tastes and flavors from around the world. When I gave this to my daughter, who was just a little over a year old at the time, she spit it out and made the most disgusted face ever. My kids have a traditional, toddler tendency towards chicken nuggets and mac & cheese.

The more time I spend on the frontlines, the more I recognize that we all enter this game with a different set of circumstances. Our kids' personalities being a big one. The amount of help we have around the house and with the kids, being another. In the article, the author talks about what a difficult time we have putting ourselves in others' shoes. This is so true -- outside of motherhood, we all have different stresses, obligations and concerns, all of which impact not just our parenting, but our judgments of others. We never know what really goes on behind closed doors.

So, while I feel like I'm less judgmental than I used to be, I'm by no means perfect. I often find myself thinking thoughts like "Well, of course she can do ___, she has it so easy." Or, "I can't believe she did X, that's ridiculous." However, I want to take the challenge and make a conscious effort to stop (or at least severely reduce) the amount of judging I do this month. The truth is, most of us judge ourselves so harshly, we don't need anyone else to do it for us. When I feel those judgy moments coming on, I'm going to do my best to stop them. It's time that I try to be the change I want to see in the world. Anyone else with me?

Ho! Ho! Ho! It's Christmas Shopping I Go! (in October)

I did it! I started my Christmas shopping last week. The looks I got from other Costco shoppers as I pushed my unwieldy cart (obviously laden with Christmas presents) was one part disgust and one part "Holy crap, I should be doing that, too!"

Anyone who has a two-year-old boy though, knows you have to buy the "Thomas-compatible" train set now, because if you wait until a more appropriate time, you're SOL... So, one train set, one fire truck, one toddler Ariel doll later, and I'm nearly done shopping for the kiddos.

An aside - an unscientific study, conducted by me alone, based on one trip to Costco, concludes that men with cell phones are the nicest guys on the planet. As I was struggling to load that huge train set box into my cart (which kept rolling away anytime I got within two feet of it), some nice guy walking by and chatting on his cell phone, just stepped in and loaded it for me. Later, as I was loading everything into my car, another mom hero on a cell, stopped and told me he'd take my cart back for me. I thanked him but told him I still had a number of things to put in the car. No worries he said, he wasn't in a hurry. Sure enough, he waited for me for several minutes, then happily pushed my cart back to the store for me. Sometimes it amazes me how kind and considerate people can be. This is not the first time I've found myself trying to load some huge, unwieldy thing into my car at Costco and had a random, kind guy help me out.

Back to the Christmas shopping - ever since I graduated from college and started buying presents of my own accord, I've started early. Every August, I used to draw up my gift recipient list and set my budget. Then, I'd divide my purchases between Sept., Oct., and Nov., so that I could afford everything. By Thanksgiving, everything was already bought and paid for. The weekend after Thanksgiving was spent decorating, wrapping and working on Christmas cards. Aah, I used to be such an efficient girl...

I've slipped a bit in recent years but am determined to get back on track this year. You see, I LOVE Christmas and want to enjoy it. I love seeing my house decked out in all of its holiday glitz and like to get it up as soon as possible. My daughter was born Thanksgiving weekend. That year, I knew I wouldn't be able to decorate after she was born, so I did it the weekend before Thanksgiving. Aah, the model of efficiency and planning.

My daughter's Thanksgiving-adjacent birthday has made it difficult to buy ahead of time. For her, I mainly need to wait to see what she gets for her birthday first and then see what should be purchased for Christmas. Also, now that I have kids, other holidays get in the way of my planning and strategizing. October is now spent contemplating and coordinating Halloween costumes and activities and November is spent planning and hosting my daughter's birthday party.

But, once again, I'm hoping to at least be mainly done with my shopping by Turkey Day, so I can spend the holidays baking and singing carols wildly off-tune, without the nagging pressure of un-purchased presents on my mind. Excuse me, I have a dollhouse to buy on Amazon now.

Childrenfreude. If Your Kids are Acting Up, Come Sit by Me

Childrenfreude: the secret pleasure of watching bad kids happen to good parents.

When I first read about this concept many months ago, I was enthralled. I'll admit it, I LOVE seeing other people's kids misbehave. Not because I want to gloat over my superior parenting skills. No, just the opposite -- it makes me feel so much less alone with my own parenting skills, which at times feel inadequate. As I've mentioned before, I have "those" kids. You know the types, the ones who are always up to something and into everything.

I feel like I spend a good deal of time worrying that my kids aren't as well-behaved as everyone else's children are, and that somehow I'm a less effective mother than my counterparts. So, when I see someone else's darling throwing a temper tantrum, or having a hard time sharing their toys, it's all I can do to refrain from busting out in a happy dance right then and there. Maybe I'm not such an ineffectual disciplinarian. Maybe these antics are normal. Maybe we'll all be okay after all.

Not too long ago, our family was at a child's birthday party. This particular kid achieves angel-child status about 99% of the time. However, on this day, he was having a hard time sharing. My husband and I nearly high-fived each other, witnessing his "real kid" antics. When his mom apologized to us for his unwillingness to share, I blurted out, "Are you kidding me?! That was the best thing I've seen in ages. It's always my kids who are struggling to share or use only gentle touches. I feel so much better now."

Then, this morning I was at Target with my little guy. Long before I saw it, I heard a vicious temper tantrum coming our way. You know the kind, lots of tears, snot and screaming. Again, I loved it. Hooray! My kids aren't the only ones to garner looks from strangers while running errands. The look on the mom's face was one I'd worn many times before -- embarrassment, exhaustion and a fierce determination to get the hell outta dodge as quickly as possible. I gave her a look of understanding and solidarity. A smile that said, "I've been there. I get it. Go you!"

But then, I got worried. What if she misinterpreted my smile? What if she thought it was a smug-mum judgy smile? What if it somehow made her feel worse? I realized that we moms need a secret hand signal that we can use to encourage each other in such times of need and public humiliation. A flash of empowerment and understanding, easily recognized and understood by all. I'm thinking something along the lines of the Black Power raised fist that was popular back in the 70's.

Let's face it, being a mom can be rough and downright humiliating sometimes. Sometimes, when our kids are at their worst, our friends and family aren't there to tell us it'll be alright. We need other moms, moms who may not know us to say, "Go on with your bad self, fellow mom. I've been there too. I get it. Hold your head high with pride cuz you're doing the best you can." Any ideas for a mom-empowerment hand signal we can claim for our own? (Because, as is evidenced by the picture above, me in my polka dot jammies with no bra and no make-up at 10:00 at night is not the look of empowerment we moms should be aiming for)

Potty-Training: Part Deux

"No! Poo poo in my diapa. You change my diapa, mom!" When you put it that way, kid -- I don't blame you. You've got yourself a pretty good little system going there. You let it out whenever and wherever it suits you. You don't need to stop playing with 'ol Thomas the Tank Engine in order to take a dump, a slight pause for concentration and you're back in business. I, on the other hand, am so ready to retire the Diaper Genie.

Why, oh why, did I think potty-training would be easier the second time around?! I thought that this go-round, as a more experienced mom, I'd really have my shit together, so to speak... Not so. New kid, new set of psychology in play. While stickers, big girl underpants and calls to Grandma to brag about her successes, were highly motivating factors for my daughter, my son is not swayed in the least by any of these measures. He could care less if Buzz Lightyear adorns his little tushie, he's a loud, proud, diaper-wearing dude.

He also does not care if he's sitting in wet underpants. He does not find that to be the least bit uncomfortable. On the one occasion we experimented with the big boy underpants, he informed me that he'd gone pee pee in his diapers (several minutes after the fact...). When I reminded him that he wasn't wearing diapers, he was wearing big boy underpants, he just shrugged. While I've heard that many kids don't want to pee pee on Elmo, or Buzz or any other favored cartoon character, my little guy has no such qualms. If Buzz won't take his crap, Woody can be his new favorite Toy Story guy...

All of these signs strongly tell me he's not ready yet. However, the fact that he fairly regularly informs me when movement is either in play or imminent, allows that little voice in the back of my mind to say "If he knows what's happening, it's time." I don't want a prolonged battle but I also don't want to be passive about it all and just let it slide out of convenience. With my daughter, I put a lot of effort into the process. We stayed home and really worked on it. We had charts and stickers and a lot of discussion about the topic.

It feels like just yesterday I was going through this with her. This is the downside to having your kids close together. You don't get a chance to recover from the emotional trauma of potty-training. Not to mention the chance to re-stock all of your cleaning supplies. When my son was about 18 months old, he showed a bit interest in the potty and wanted to go. While I went along with it, a big part of me was inwardly groaning, not ready to go through the process quite yet. He lost interest after a couple of weeks and has yet to regain it. Now, I worry that my lack of interest back then is to blame for his lack of interest now. Am I just being a lazy mom? Is that why I'm not making a full-hearted effort on this front? Or, am I just following his cues?