Snot is Not an Accessory

While I was never a true "fashionista," back in the day I could put together some fairly cute outfits and owned a number of fun, open-toed slides. I could even walk in a fairly high heel without making a fool of myself. Now that I'm a mom, those days are gone, my cute skirts replaced with jeans and my slides with comfortable "mom shoes," perfect for sprinting after a toddler who's pulled a runner in the mall. How did this frumpy person take over? I'm a girly-girl, damn it! This wasn't supposed to happen to me.

Does the ability to breastfeed replace the ability to accessorize? Sara once asked, "Do these shoes go with this spit-up?" which cracked me up, because that's about the extent of my accessorizing these days. At the end of most days I retire my clothes, only to find a big smear of snot or peanut butter streaked across my shirt and am not even fazed by it. Although there was the day I walked around with a "fresh meat" sticker on my butt that Bonnie had peeled off the hamburger package and placed there, I suppose that added a little flair...

Last fall we went to a local farm for some Halloween festivities. As I looked around, I noticed every other mom there was sporting Hunter boots while I was wearing my $13 Costco specials. How did I not get the memo that rain boots had gone designer?! I used to be aware of such things. Even if I couldn't buy them, at least I knew I was supposed to want them. A few weeks ago, I took a look at the assemblage of clothes I'd thrown on and realized I'd worn gray sweats, a gray t-shirt and a gray hoodie - I looked like an inmate, or as Mrs. Lampshade hilariously put it, "the Unimommer."

I see other moms, the ones who've somehow managed to pull off the skinny jeans and tall boots look. How do they do that?! They're accessorized and their wardrobe is current, not four years behind the times as mine is. I nearly became a paraplegic, trying to get a pair of skinny jeans on once. I was hopping all over the dressing room, yanking them up, to no avail, only to have Bonnie scamper out of the stroller and start jumping around saying "Look Mama! I can jump too!" That's when I threw in the towel on that particular trend. I've even found myself thinking the Mom Jean is unfairly maligned. Yes, the pleating's unfortunate but that high waist sure does eliminate the possibility of a muffin top and you're not about to show your panties while sitting on the library floor during story time because your low-rise pants have slid too far down.

I know that in a couple of years my lifestyle will change again and I won't need to be playing all over the floor and sprinting out of stores chasing toddlers who are sick of shopping. Then I'll be able to invest in some cute outfits again. Until then, I just keep a close eye on the moms featured in the Elmo's World videos. I figure that as long as I don't get as bad as them (can someone please hand them a bottle of leave-in conditioner and some tweezers?!), then I'm okay.